Real problems that I face every day

I've been running regularly for about six years now. Though I'm not a competitive runner, I do take my fitness very seriously. Running regularly also allows me to eat whatever the hell I want. I get to act like a fat kid and look like an athlete at the same time.

How I feel when I run.

Running is also an important emotional release for me. I've gotten reasonably fast over the years, despite my rather not-built-for-speed frame. Cranking out a few miles in quick succession is an empowering experience in my otherwise rather servile life.

Unfortunately, I can't run right now. There's something wrong with my right heel; I suspect that it's either a minor stress fracture or a bone bruise. Since I work as a waiter and can't very well stay off my feet altogether, I figure it's best to spare my foot the abuse of running. But I also can't stop working out altogether, because I'm now thoroughly addicted to endorphins and would suffer total mood collapse if I didn't get my fix.

So I am faced with an odious choice: the exercise bike or the elliptical.

It should be noted that I hate the exercise bike. It fucking sucks. It offers neither the charms of actual outdoor cycling nor the zen tranquility of running on a treadmill. But as much as I dislike the bike, at least it isn't as thoroughly emasculating as the elliptical.

How I feel on the elliptical.

I'm not sure exactly what it is about the elliptical that bothers me so much. Is it the unnatural bobbing motion? Is it the handles (what the hell are those for)? Is it the machine's pale simulacrum of actual, normal-people running? Whatever the case, I bear a deep-seated natural revulsion for the thing. It is clearly for pantywaists and lily-livers. Henry Rollins has mentioned that he uses elliptical machines, and though his workout habits are strikingly similar to my own, I can only assume that he prefers it over good old-fashioned jogging because he's been hit in the head so much.


So for the last few weeks, I've been using the exercise bikes at my gym. These bikes are novel machines indeed. They offer--"impose" might be more accurate, since you can't opt out--a video game-influenced workout experience. The bike provides a number of pre-set tracks full of hills and turns. You must steer yourself around these tracks, changing gears to compensate for the hills in real time and passing an infinite number of preposterously slow computer riders.

No doubt these bikes provide a more novel and engaging workout for some folks. I can't stand them, though. When I do cardio, I want to space out and focus on the music I'm blaring on my headphones. These machines make such inattention impossible. I eventually got so sick of the bike that I swore it off a few days ago.

And so, finally, I tried out the elliptical yesterday. I have to admit, it was a lot better than I expected. It still wasn't painless, though. I could feel the eyes of a thousand swole-up dudes judging me as I bobbed unceremoniously up and down. Plus, the handles are still stupid, and they kept whacking me painfully in the hand whenever I let go of them. But I got a pretty good workout, and did so without beating the everloving shit out of my foot.

So I'll be going back to the elliptical today, no matter how ridiculous I feel on it. Perhaps it's for the best. I tend to take myself far too seriously, and using the elliptical--like a number of other features of my life right now--encourages me not to.